Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Being Real

I come from a long line of big legged, big hipped and big ass women with tiny waists.  Beautiful Women...eye-catching women.  I remember my mother wearing skirts with side splits and white blouses that she always kept tucked in.  She would top it off with a belt that showcased her tiny waist.  My mother had legs that would stop traffic.  I was too young to take notice of the rest, but I would always tell her that when I grew up I wanted her legs.  When she would walk by, men would say "damn Cat yo ass is so fine ...pick a tree...I'll pull it up by the roots and make you a chair ... so you can come and sit by me."  Growing up my body matured fast...too fast...because as a child it attracted the attention of predators.  I was ashamed of my body.  I felt that if it was "normal" I would be safe.  What I didn't realize as a child was that my body was normal...lush...but was the men that molested me that were abnormal.

As I grew into an adult it was the same.  Men  would notice my body, especially  my ass...first. I was never comfortable with my body.  I never enjoyed the attention...I wanted to be a pretty girl...not a body to be lusted after.  Somehow it made me feel less than the other girls, the pretty girls with the average bodies.   I never will understand men's attraction to a big ass.    But I digress.  When I was young and before this insane age of people getting butt implants, I wanted a butt-ectomy.  My word.  I wanted to get my ass reduced somehow.  Between my beautiful legs, my hips and the prize-winning ass ( just quoting some of my admirers through the years) I made it through my young adult years wondering ....did anyone ever look at me above the waist?  I know I have beautiful eyes, and a killer smile.  But guys always came at me with the "your ass is so fine" line.

I think because I never liked my body, I took it for granted.  The stomach would always be tight, the hips and ass would be just right and the legs and thighs would always be those of CATherinesdaughter.

Was my ass wrong  about that or what?   At age 35 my metabolism decided it wanted to take separate vacations from my body.  At age 40 I  knew it (my metabolism) was cheating because it was certainly NOT doing its job.  I was gaining weight and and it was getting harder to loose it.  Around  age 46 a newcomer and not a welcome one- was introduced into the mix.....menopause.  Now that bitch came in and messed up everything.  Can you say everything?  It appears that menopause and metabolism didn't like each other because later that year my metabolism packed up her bags and left for good.  On the other hand menopause decided to set up house for the next 4 years.  I will not even go into the hell of that heifers reign.  Between night sweats, hot flashes, cold flashes, weight gain in places I did not even know I had, hair growing in places that did NOT  need hair and hair falling out of  my scalp....and don't forget the coochie getting dry as the Sahara....wait a minute...I said I wouldn't talk about Ms. Menopause.  No I want to talk about that trick Mz. Metabolism.  When she packed HER bags, I could just look at food and gain weight .  The ass got bigger and I developed these hugh breasts.  I am 5ft. 3 and was beginning to look like Dolly Parton.   I woke up one morning...I swear it was overnight ...My breasts were sagging, my arms were bigger and I had a stomach pouch.  The body I had always taken  for granted decided to leave like a thief in the night. I guess it said "you never appreciated me bitch.....later!" 

So now that brings you to where I am now.  Ms. 50+ and wondering.....Lord if you just let me get a little of my groove back I will never ever complain about having a big ass, just make it firm again  and get rid of the stomach pouch....and make my legs smaller ...and reduce these breasts....and if you see Mz. Metabolism strike that bitch with lightning.  Sorry Lord.

Where am I going with this you say?  Denial.  And it not just a river in Egypt.  Since age 50 I have refused to weigh myself.  Even in the doctors office, the nurse would take one look at my face and walk right on by the scale. See all of the nurses knew if they insisted on me getting on the scale they would have to cancel all of the appointments for the rest of the day because I would turn that office out.  Yes,  the sister would go completely off.  I still get compliments so I would say to myself that it couldn't be that bad.  So what if you go from a size 10 to a 12 , then to a 14 ...then to a 16, I just stopped buying clothes with numbers.  Let's do XL, then XXL.  I just was not keeping it real.  Until I saw a picture of myself last year.  My daughter took me to LA as a birthday gift and while we were strolling through Beverly Hills my grandson took my picture.  I had the nerve to do my America's Next Top Model" pose.  Well.  The pictures were developed.  And there I was posing in my purple dress.  My ass looked like Barney.  But still I made excuses and steared clear of scales.

Which brings us to last week.  I was in New York on 86th street window shopping.  I was standing in front of Orva Shoes and you know how the window reflects your image.  I looked in and gasped ....I said to myself who is that fat woman in that ugly ill-fitting dress.  Girl needs the "What Not to Wear " team and Weight Watchers big time.  I turned my head so that I could get a better look at the poor woman.  My reflection turned its head.  I looked back into the window with my mouth open....the fat woman had her mouth open.  Oh Lord, the fat woman in the ugly dress was me.  Where did my fine-ness go?  Why didn't somebody tell me?  Then...well first let me tell you about Esther.  Esther is the part of my personality that doesn't take any shit, tells it likes it is and is really the part of me that needs the Meds.  Esther said: "bitch that's you!  You made us fat!"  Your ass is so fat it can carry a 5 course meal on it with filled water glasses and not spill an ounce.   I want a divorce...I want to go and stay with Mz. Metabolism."  Now I am one of those people that not only talks to themselves,  I will hold a conversation.  I said (while standing in the middle of the sidewalk in front of Orva's)  "Esther I didn't know"  It's not my fault". Before I could get another word out that bitch (Esther) said: "heifer you knew ..why do you think yo big ass wouldn't get on a scale?  The DMV ought to lock your ass up cause you been walking around here for the last 5 years with a drivers license that says you weight 134 pounds!  If they didn't know it you did!. "  Still she wasn't through.  " If I could get outta this fat for a minute I would beat your ass for messing ME up! And check this  Ms. CATherines daughter yo momma is probably turning in her grave. "   Don't start crying...DO Something!"

Well Esther didn't have to be that mean.  But she ain't never lied.  I knew I was gaining weight just like I knew my first husband was a whore.  So I took my shell shocked ass into Barnes and Noble ....and let me say here that I believe that  the Spirit - GOD  guides you....and the first thing I saw was this book "The 17 Day Diet"....and it was on sale for 30% off ...40% for members and I am a devoted Barnes and Noble member.  The guy just wants 17 days of your life ....and your commitment to getting healthy...and getting your butt up and exercising for at least 17 minutes a day.  I am giving him at least 30 minutes of exercise. I started exercising two days ago and I must admit I feel better.   I know it is going to take more than 17 days to do this.  But I've got the rest of my life.  And this time  I will love my body and embrace my beautiful big ass.  Today is June 1st, I started my next chapter.

Oh and I weighed myself.....217 pounds.  See how committed I am.  I put that shit out into the universe.  But I am CATherinesdaughter and I come from a long line of fine assed women.   Too be continued............

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